In Which Mating Techniques Shouldn't Be Taken From Greek Mythology
by rijujuju
Summary: Sakuma is a nymph. Fudou is a tree. These things happen.
Fudou Akio was a tree.

He hadn't always been a tree. In fact, he had only been a tree for a week or two. It was hard to keep track of time, when you were a tree. He had once been a satyr, living just outside the forest, and, well. It was mating season.

"The concept of satyrs kidnapping nymphs is outdated and rather problematic, actually. It enforces the idea that your lover is in your possession and it creates an imbalance of power in the relationship," the wood nymph was saying. Said wood nymph was named Jirou, Sakuma Jirou, and had been the one to turn him into a tree in the first place.

"Okay, cool." Fudou said, or would have, if he had a mouth to speak with. "Can you give me limbs again?"

Instead, his leaves were ruffled by the wind. Sakuma seemed to get what he was saying, though, and scowled.

"You've been going after me for weeks, Fudou," he said. "Have you ever thought about just nicely asking me to be your mate?"

Fudou didn't answer, and wasn't able to until roughly three days later, when Sakuma took pity on him and gave him his limbs back.

"So, will you be my mate?" Fudou asked, stretching his legs. Being made of bark really broke down the muscle structure.

"No," Sakuma replied, and then turned and walked back into the woods.

* * *

"I think your approach is all wrong." Kidou told him.

"Yeah, like I should listen to you, hay breath." Fudou mumbled, crossing his hooves and tooting angrily into his pipes. He hated pipes, but it was the whole concept of the thing. Had anyone ever seen a satyr that didn't play the pipes? No, and Fudou wasn't about to be the first.

"Like your approach is working well." Kidou sneered.

"Maybe you should just ask him out to dinner!" Endou chimed in from his spot on Kidou's back. Humans weren't very smiled upon in the Forest, but since he was so attached to the most powerful centaur in miles, no one could really say anything. So Fudou was friendly to him, or about as friendly as Fudou was to anyone. "That's what my dad did, and him and my mom have been married for years."

Fudou rolled his eyes. "Yeah, sure. I'll treat him to a nice meal of whatever-the-fuck nymphs eat, besides the broken dreams of satyrs."

"Just a suggestion," Endou mumbled. Kidou snorted and went back to threading his bow, obviously bored with the conversation. Fudou tooted an angry little tune on his pipes, but it came out sounding very clever and pretty. Stupid music blessings, he thought to himself. I hate this stupid instrument.

* * *

Sakuma turned him into a tree again, and no one saw Fudou for a month. When they did, he was angrily scrubbing his fur in the river. No one could tell a regular tree from a Fudou tree, and there weren't many other places to go to the bathroom in the forest.

* * *

"I think Sakuma was onto something when he said it was old fashioned." Genda said when Fudou set up camp on a log by his cabin. "Sure, satyrs kidnapped back in Ancient Greece, but this is the 21st century. Times have changed."

"There's a rule to things, stupid." Fudou opened his pack and pulled out some bluegrass to chew on. "It's a tradition. You wouldn't know anything about tradition, you've never met another elf."

"There isn't another satyr, either," Genda, the only elf left in the Forest, pointed out. "You're going off of mythology books Endou brought last year. That's kind of stupid, isn't it?"

"You're stupid." Fudou shot back with venom, though it was dulled through the lump of grass in his mouth. "Go back to Lord of the Rings where you belong."

Genda sighed and shook his head. They were really only friends by happenstance, that happenstance being the fact that the two of them were the only ones left of their kind, as far as they knew. So they were brothers, kind of, except that Genda did nothing to help when Fudou was turned into a tree, and Fudou rarely lifted a finger when Genda's hair got caught in brambles. "Listen, you should just give up on the kidnapping. Just try and talk to him, yeah, or you'll never get hitched."

"You don't know what you're talking about." Fudou said. "I'll go back to see him tomorrow."

* * *

This time, no one saw Fudou for a year. The Forest, at least, was quieter.

* * *

Sakuma had made his home in a little hill, hollowing out the inside and covering the dirt walls with wood to avoid too much mess. For a grass nymph, he had developed a strange avoidance of dirt.

He didn't even know people knew where he lived, and so he was surprised when he opened the door to see Fudou standing there, hand raised to knock.

"You really do like being a tree, don't you," Sakuma said, voice dry, and Fudou shot him a glare.

"No. I hate it. I'm not here to kidnap you, moron."

"You're charming."

Fudou groaned and shook his head. "Look, I'm sorry about all that. I'm sorry about tying you up last time, or… whatever. I don't even know if that's a satyr thing to do. What's so great about nymphs, anyway?!"

Sakuma stared at him for a long while, then shrugged. "You've been trying to kidnap me and marry me for three years. You tell me."

The satyr groaned and rubbed his eyes. He looked tired, and for a brief moment, Sakuma felt almost bad for turning him into a tree. Then he remembered how annoying it was to heal rope burn, and immediately stopped feeling bad.

"No, look. I just… I just want to get married, okay, and at first it was like, so you're the only nymph in the Forest, and it's a thing we do, and…" He trailed off, looking embarrassed, then scowled. "Just, like, do me a solid and go out to dinner with me, okay?!"

"…." Sakuma stared up at him for a long, long moment, and then, "…No, I don't think I will."

"What?!" Fudou looked genuinely crushed. "No, come on! Everyone said that would work!"

"You can't force me to like you, Fudou." Sakuma told him, leaning against his doorway and crossing his arms. "No amount of kidnapping or following or dinners can change that. I just don't like you romantically. And that's that. Stop looking at me as a marriable object."

"No, I…" Fudou floundered for a second, then groaned. "I don't mean as a date, you idiotic piece of wood. I mean as friends. Or, whatever. Just get to know each other."

Sakuma looked him up and down, unimpressed.

"…My friend Genda makes a mean bark stew," Fudou tried, shrugging once.

Come on, come on, come on…

"Just don't kidnap me again," Sakuma finally said, straightening again.

"Oh!" The other man brightened, though he tried to hide it. "I mean, yeah. Totally. You can turn me into a tree again if I do."

"You can count on that." Sakuma told him, a smile playing on the corner of his lips.

* * *

"I hope this isn't someone else I turned into a tree," Sakuma said at dinner the next night. Fudou shrugged, took another piece of bark off the plate, and bit into it.

"As long as it isn't me."


End file.
